A new horizon.

november 21st, 2010

2010-11-20T08:26:00.000-08:00

I'd like to tell you that i have moved back to Mongolia for good. It's been a difficult six years that i have lived in new york. The city of concrete and concrete people. I have felt very alone these last six years but i want to say that i'm relieved now that it's in the past. I'm home.

I have quit my previous colleges/universities and now i'm enrolling myself into a new school in mongolia. I'm going to be studying management for a little more than two years. I'm hoping to graduate sooner. But i have to always remember to stay within my own abilities. Slow and Steady Progress shall be realized in my life. This i Promise.

My homeland has changed a lot along with its people. They started taking differently and everybody seems to be very stressed out these days. I felt fear and relief at the same time. For one, i wasn't the only who had a nervous breakdown. Secondly, i feel like stress on some level can be transferred onto to you from others, that is, it's infectious. Probably it is on some psycho-kinetic level. I'm sure of that i just can't prove it to you.

I'm waiting to get a car. I'm waiting to get a girlfriend. But i have my own one bedroom apartment in the center of UB. And i have recently received my citizenship identification card.

Anyhow folks i'm off to brush my teeth and i think you know that comes after that. Clue: it's 12:34am in Ulaanbaatar Mongolia.

Cheers

Vienna Virginia Summer 2010

2010-07-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

July 15th,

first of all, Happy Birthday Mom!!! and thanks for giving me life and keeping me alive even when i was ungrateful!!!

I try to always visit my best friend during the Summer.

This year, pronounced TWENTY-TEN, my best friend became "engaged" (i've put the quote marks there; they will be removed when they expire). I believe that he's having the time of his life right now. And he's happy. I'm happy because of that. but not yet....

I seem to get a fascinating new perspective on myself every summer here. Virginia is it you that trickles reflection down my throat at night? or is it the naivete of my 21 year old soul?

Different People can call it different things, but the most important part is that I love to write and read when i'm here.

There's something every inspiring about coming to a new place. Every little mundane detail and every little action is experienced differently by my. It makes me think of different things in relation to myself and my growth as a person and as a freethinker.

So, last night, I broke night without even a cat nap...I feel very tired but i'm also looking forward to just hanging out with my best bud and drink some bud later, hopefully.

Back to the rant, or mini-rant, or rant diet haha basically, it's rant with a little dose of epiphany on top that came with self-examination. Honest self-examination.

I've felt completely gripped by anxiety after 20 minutes in a new bed. It were anxieties stemming from worries about school, family, friends, and things lost and whatever lies before me in the future. I've felt completely unprepared. For life, really, just life in general. But i have to remember that life is about living and not thinking. And during the few horrendous milliseconds of panic, i realized that the panic was all in my head thanks to google. I think google will be the next therapist, of the future of course. Google's rectangular box that prompts the searchee to enter their text: it is where i ask and search for answers to all my psychological ruts and spiritual confusion.

Denial

Confusion

Frustration

You can tell by following my web of thoughts that these thoughts of mine are in complete disarray and is the source of my unhappiness. Thus, i decided that i must get down somewhere, before they get stored up in my memories, yea the ones that influence your life long after you no longer remember if you ever had them.

i thought that i was bringing shame to myself and family

i thought that maybe i was honest with my family, that my mom would forgive me and that would let her move on with her life

and then i thought i was thinking too much, which pushed further to get on google and i googled myself out of my tribulations.

nevertheless, i was still sleepless. Restless.

Restless, Restless, maybe if i can name things that i think and feel, then maybe i can start to get rid of them and organize them and feel free-er in spirit by dinnertime.

I feel already a little better in the head, i feel like there's more space in my brains right now.

to be continued i will go take a nap like a cat, yeah that's the etymology. lol MEOW MEOW

Progress to confusion.

2009-06-19T21:02:00.000-07:00

Damnnn.....it's been such a long time since i blogger or even thought about writing. My relationship with words has been fruitless, throughout my short college career my writing has disappointed me as much as i have disappointed the written word. The writer in me seems to be very sensitive and very particular, way too sensitive on top of cynical perfectionism. Why do things have to be perfect? i have realized that i haven't been honest with myself or others around me. I have forgotten to grow me, i grew everyone and everything around me, but i forgot that i need to grow taller as a person and individual. I took the "sponge" comparison onto a different level. After having experienced nonsense and meaningless self-destructiveness, i have fallen down deep as a person and i have made myself not like myself. Do you know what that means? It means that i have stopped being myself, but instead of doing my own thing i started looking for excuses and others opinions have taken a greater toll on me. I started looking for affirmation from others in every one of my own actions. I have lost strings and tunes to the music of my own.

Lately, it has become so much better. AJ was right telling me that time heals everything. A little bit of time has passed since i messed up, but a lot has changed inside of me. I have seen the true colors of couple of individuals. I want to be real and be with real. I'm down with being there for a person, because that's where i want to be at. But some people only see you as an investment and others are afraid to open up. But i understand them. I still got love for them. Because we all human, we ain't perfect, you can't expect to grow if you don't make mistakes, you don't quit on people when it becomes hard to be around them. As long as they don't hurt you personally, i think you can still show up for them, because it's for the future. Always changing, always being someone else, taking up a role and pretending to be something that you want to be while turning yourself into nothing but free falling broken pieces of someone distant and not you in the end.

I ask for forgiveness for going on too much, i suppose that i have thought too much but that's what made me and it's going to take so much more to make the me that i wanna be.

For the finals words, I'm good and I'm smiling. I'm thankful for all that i have seen and my family, and the people who affected my life in a positive light, people who have been the bullshit identifiers of my pretension and escapism. I thank ya'll i appreciate ya'll.

Now i've got to work hard to get what i want in my life.

It's ...

1. Education on Renewable Energy.

2. Respect for myself and for others around me.

3. Seeing the good things in my life, turning the bad into good.

Tony said to me today, "it takes a long time to be a good person, and a single minute to be a bad person."

It takes time, i understand thank you for letting me know. When times comes, whatever you wanted happens.

I speak with nervous but good intension.

Peace. I still remember Cosmos telling me the story of stopping scrimmage with the single shout of the word of "P E A C E". I wonder if it's true, most probably is....

my mind my heart...

2008-04-04T15:46:00.000-07:00

a person's mind is the control center. lately, i am barely holding onto the control center to tell me what to do about the feelings i keep closing and opening everytime i let my heart open. the control center is responsible for my thoughts but it can't do anything when i'm just sad and heartbroken. but it always pulls me back up i trust my mind with all my heart.