Vienna Virginia Summer 2010

July 15th,

first of all, Happy Birthday Mom!!! and thanks for giving me life and keeping me alive even when i was ungrateful!!!

I try to always visit my best friend during the Summer.

This year, pronounced TWENTY-TEN, my best friend became "engaged" (i've put the quote marks there; they will be removed when they expire). I believe that he's having the time of his life right now. And he's happy. I'm happy because of that. but not yet....

I seem to get a fascinating new perspective on myself every summer here. Virginia is it you that trickles reflection down my throat at night? or is it the naivete of my 21 year old soul?

Different People can call it different things, but the most important part is that I love to write and read when i'm here.

There's something every inspiring about coming to a new place. Every little mundane detail and every little action is experienced differently by my. It makes me think of different things in relation to myself and my growth as a person and as a freethinker.

So, last night, I broke night without even a cat nap...I feel very tired but i'm also looking forward to just hanging out with my best bud and drink some bud later, hopefully.

Back to the rant, or mini-rant, or rant diet haha basically, it's rant with a little dose of epiphany on top that came with self-examination. Honest self-examination.

I've felt completely gripped by anxiety after 20 minutes in a new bed. It were anxieties stemming from worries about school, family, friends, and things lost and whatever lies before me in the future. I've felt completely unprepared. For life, really, just life in general. But i have to remember that life is about living and not thinking. And during the few horrendous milliseconds of panic, i realized that the panic was all in my head thanks to google. I think google will be the next therapist, of the future of course. Google's rectangular box that prompts the searchee to enter their text: it is where i ask and search for answers to all my psychological ruts and spiritual confusion.

Denial

Confusion

Frustration

You can tell by following my web of thoughts that these thoughts of mine are in complete disarray and is the source of my unhappiness. Thus, i decided that i must get down somewhere, before they get stored up in my memories, yea the ones that influence your life long after you no longer remember if you ever had them.

i thought that i was bringing shame to myself and family

i thought that maybe i was honest with my family, that my mom would forgive me and that would let her move on with her life

and then i thought i was thinking too much, which pushed further to get on google and i googled myself out of my tribulations.

nevertheless, i was still sleepless. Restless.

Restless, Restless, maybe if i can name things that i think and feel, then maybe i can start to get rid of them and organize them and feel free-er in spirit by dinnertime.

I feel already a little better in the head, i feel like there's more space in my brains right now.

to be continued i will go take a nap like a cat, yeah that's the etymology. lol MEOW MEOW