Progress to confusion.

Damnnn.....it's been such a long time since i blogger or even thought about writing. My relationship with words has been fruitless, throughout my short college career my writing has disappointed me as much as i have disappointed the written word. The writer in me seems to be very sensitive and very particular, way too sensitive on top of cynical perfectionism. Why do things have to be perfect? i have realized that i haven't been honest with myself or others around me. I have forgotten to grow me, i grew everyone and everything around me, but i forgot that i need to grow taller as a person and individual. I took the "sponge" comparison onto a different level. After having experienced nonsense and meaningless self-destructiveness, i have fallen down deep as a person and i have made myself not like myself. Do you know what that means? It means that i have stopped being myself, but instead of doing my own thing i started looking for excuses and others opinions have taken a greater toll on me. I started looking for affirmation from others in every one of my own actions. I have lost strings and tunes to the music of my own. 

Lately, it has become so much better. AJ was right telling me that time heals everything. A little bit of time has passed since i messed up, but a lot has changed inside of me. I have seen the true colors of couple of individuals. I want to be real and be with real. I'm down with being there for a person, because that's where i want to be at. But some people only see you as an investment and others are afraid to open up. But i understand them. I still got love for them. Because we all human, we ain't perfect, you can't expect to grow if you don't make mistakes, you don't quit on people when it becomes hard to be around them. As long as they don't hurt you personally, i think you can still show up for them, because it's for the future. Always changing, always being someone else, taking up a role and pretending to be something that you want to be while turning yourself into nothing but free falling broken pieces of someone distant and not you in the end. 

I ask for forgiveness for going on too much, i suppose that i have thought too much but that's what made me and it's going to take so much more to make the me that i wanna be. 

For the finals words, I'm good and I'm smiling. I'm thankful for all that i have seen and my family, and the people who affected my life in a positive light, people who have been the bullshit identifiers of my pretension and escapism. I thank ya'll i appreciate ya'll. 

Now i've got to work hard to get what i want in my life. 

It's ...

1. Education on Renewable Energy.

2. Respect for myself and for others around me. 

3. Seeing the good things in my life, turning the bad into good. 

Tony said to me today, "it takes a long time to be a good person, and a single minute to be a bad person." 

It takes time, i understand thank you for letting me know. When times comes, whatever you wanted happens. 

I speak with nervous but good intension. 

Peace. I still remember Cosmos telling me the story of stopping scrimmage with the single shout of the word of "P E A C E". I wonder if it's true, most probably is....